Sorrow

Yesterday, the longest strangest day of my life
hospital all day we stayed with her
my dear aunt margaret
me..my mom..cousins..aunt jo
all with her not knowing
this would be the last day of life

She passed away
i watched as death came
it happen so quick 1 minute she was lucid
and next she was gasping for air
could not breath struggling
as i called for the nurse
"please help my aunt she is in distress"
her face was the face of death i saw it
i saw it coming and could do nothing
my mother cradled my aunt in her arms
asking her sister not to go..please stay
please breathe..my mom pleaded

Code blue on the loud speaker
people strangers in blue and white coats
running to her room
machines...orders...mayhem..running
security guards pushing us aside
"u must leave the room"
we obeyed..stunned..crying..overwhelmed

As we wait outside her room door shut
blue and white coats inside
we know what is happening we just cannot accept
hope its what we do hope
we call family members alert them of what
just took place as they are needed
she is leaving us

We wait....

A lady in a white coat comes out of the room
towards us with a lady in a blue coat they walk
over to us not in urgency no more running
they stand in front of my mother who proudly states
margaret is my sister
she said i am dr. somebody (i can't remember)
"we tried all we could but we could not get her back
i am sorry she is goneeeeeeeeeeeeee"
"her heart was not strong enough"
my cousin asking dr. somebody if her mother
is dead please answer me is my mother dead
dr. somebody "yes"

It is strange how your body goes limp
nothing is clear nothing makes sense
u want to scream "no" but nothing
comes out only sobs sobs sobs

84yrs of life gone she is no more
this special person my aunt
who was always there for me
laughed with me shared her thoughts we me
i will miss her so much
peace i will give her now to be the people
who have left before her i am in hopes
that her son Raymond my cousin met her
and brought her with him to be safe
i must think that way as i dont want her
to be scared.

I kissed her goodbye..body still warm
her family was all around her we were
telling her goodbye holding her hand
stroking her face giving her
love the love that she taught us.

Next three days
funeral services will held
i must be strong but i
can't promise i feel i
will lose it as i loved her so much
next three days

death comes fast
beware

Professionalism

Today at work
i received a phone call
from a very irate
client

I do not know him
he is what I call
a "referral"
part of a group
i had corresponded with
him thru e-mail
answered all his questions
as best i could

never heard back
assumed he was not interested
i do not chase
as i would not want
to be chased

He shouted
pofessionalism, i had none
he will never recommend
or use my services in the future
i tried to break in
asked kindly if i can be heard
he ask that i stop interrupting him
as he shouted at me
same same same
blah blah blah

I was in disbelief
could not comprehend
that i was being treated
so poorly
and worst of all i took it

He hung up
and so it ends
the disrespect

I contacted his sister
part of the group
she apologized
for her brother
she told me not to worry
his opinion of me is not hers
"please forget this happen"
lets put it behind us

So i must
but i can't forgot
it has me shaken
as i did nothing wrong

He is a business owner
what the hell is his
definition of
professionalism
i honestly don't think he knows
as he conducted himself
with not 1 ounce of it

I can only think
he gets his kicks out of
belittling people
he did a great job on me

Whew...rough 1 today
23 yrs in my profession
i will continue on

Aunt Margaret

Time continues to tick
your body shuts down
age catches up
and u r just
not who u were
old age
dread it

My aunt is
unresponsive
i can't get thru
smile as I might
she stares blankly
i feed her as i needed to
she to weak to hold a fork
a nurse to her
not a niece who loves her so

She is one of my favorites
always there for me
my mothers sister
one of the twelve

Nursing home
is her home now
will be for whatever
time she has left
she must be fed
changed cleaned
by someone other
than herself
saving grace
she has no clue

Sores on her legs
her backside red
immobility
dementia

She is tired
i think she is ready

Now i wait
for the inevitable
as i cry
and watch time
go by

Patience

The older I become
it seems the less
patience i have
even tho
i know patience
will help me get thru
patience escapes me

It is with everything
my daily activites
work driving standing in line
clients parents etc etc etc
there is not 1 thing
that does not require
patience
i need to find a way
to get patience back in my life
as to make it easier for me
take a deep breathe..breath in..exhale
repeat as necessary

yea right easier said than done

I blew up today at work
a complete mental meltdown
wanted and wished
i could walk out
never to return

Of course i didn't
let it go move on

So as lent starts
i am going to try to
find patience
that is my new rule
i will try
no promises i will make
but there is also the
word try

and try as i might